If you have been writing my blog up until this point, you would know about my 2017 goal to get in touch with my spirituality, and how I feel about men who are squeamish about the Fifty Shades of Grey series, and if you are just arriving to Find Some TLC, welcome!
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, there’s something I need to discuss with you all, the m-word, the plague upon our dating houses, the thing that we’ve all been sold, but constantly try and return. I’m talking about monogamy, and its role in all of our millennial dating shenanigans.
I posed the question “Is monogamy natural?,” on my Facebook page the other day, and received a mixed bag of reactions ranging from “Gurl, please,” to “No, it’s not, but I still prescribe to it.”
My thought on the whole debate is this, at my core, I think that monogamy isn’t the problem, I think that the overt traditionalism that has polluted monogamy is the reason why so many twentysomethings are out here running away from it faster than Trump’s hairline is betraying him.
I mean, the idea of being with one person at a time, should be simple right. In many ways, I think committing to one person was a way to combat decision fatigue. How great would it be, in theory, to find the future peanut butter to your jelly and have a relationship that is mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally complementary to your whole being?
While that sound’s like the bee’s knees, arms and legs, I think we have Tinder, OkCupid and alla their mans an’ them for making us both more aware of polyamorous lifestyles and also giving us the false illusion of choice, while we all try before we buy.
Monogamy as it is constantly presented to us, is usually hetero-normative, and involves the settling down of curiosity and the libido, in the name of a ring and a marriage certificate. But because the antiquated ideals of monogamy are now up against the fear that your boyfriend of girlfriend could be TIndering behind your back, or wondering if the OkCupid mister you clicked with is double booking dates, too many of us are running around fearful and insecure.
If you have spent the better part of at least two decades working through awkward adolescence, getting an education, and working on self love, why can one supposedly good digital mister have you double texting and worrying about a nonexistent Becky wit da good hair?
Never has it been easier for you to be the best thing since sliced bread for a guy one night, and ghosted the next day? Or is it that in our predispositions for monogamy, we weren’t taught enough about dating around and doing some self-reflection. I find that while my personality has gotten stronger over the years, it’s all too easy for me to revert back to tolerating things that ought not be tolerated in the name of easing loneliness when it shows up uninvited.
I remember my first and only real relationship during my freshmen year of college, when having someone slide in your FB inbox was still a novelty, and when I was convinced abstinence was my jam. That relationship lasted for all of six months, but I found that I felt smothered during the whole thing, and couldn’t even be bothered to properly break up with the person.
In short, I was every guy who has every walked off with a piece of my former hope that love still conquers all, fast forward to now and after taking a one year break from dating, I don’t think I’m any better at dating than I was then.
Cue Drake’s “Trust Issues.” It’s more like I approach every new potential romance as a cause to be suspicious until proven otherwise. I show up with my metaphorical suit of armor so that lies and tomfoolery can’t penetrate me. But once I believe that there is a little light in someone, I shed my pretenses faster than we shed coats on a random warm winter day. Almost as if I’ve convinced myself that everyone is dark, so I have to soak up any ol’ light I find, until it get dark again.
I’m da real MVP of self-sabotage, but is the fact that ultimately I want to be with one person, perpetuating this?
I’m not good at playing games, and being cool while dating. In fact I like to be as uncool as possible, I like to discuss sex on the first date, I like to double text because I know the person saw my first message, and if I get a particular vibe, I’m the first to be like yes we just saw each other yesterday, but I want to see you today.
Take things slow for who?
But I don’t think it’s because I’m a hopeless romantic, I think it’s because I fear that all of the me on a silver platter is never going to be as satisfying, when all- you- can eat is a click away.
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I could very easily swipe left and right and get plenty of people to occupy my time, but there’s also too great a risk of wasting my time, and you know risking my health. Yet, the physical has always been easier for me, like a temporary Band-aid while I try to ignore the fact that I have a gaping wound.
What I don’t understand is why in our avoidance of monogamy, we have all resolved to not only waste other people’s time but to waste your own?
I don’t think monogamy or polyamory for that matter is the reason why millennials are floundering at love, I think fearfulness is, being too afraid to say you want a relationship so comfortable that your partner greases your scalp, or being too chicken to say you never want a relationship and that having multiple love partners is really more you speed.
But we’re not afraid to waste our own time, and I don’t know about y’all but I am constantly reminded that life is short, so I don’t plan to waste my time any longer.
I still don’t know if I’m going to be a blushing bride some day, but I do know that in the meantime between time I can’t hide because I think every guy is gonna wastemytime.com, but I also can’t pass time with interactions that do not stimulate me simply because I think it’s better than the alternative.
Polyamory is not that hard to understand, and monogamy is not the devil, I think that we chose to place importance on the wrong things and now everyone’s got an automatic romantic fight 0r flight response.
How do you feel about monogamy? Could you ever see yourself in a polyamorous relationship? Do you think millennials suck at dating?
Let me know in the comments, and may you findsomeTLC…and love if that’s your thing!